Hold Me Closer, Even Closer Than Before
by CeceMeRolling
Summary: Karma is one year free of cancer, but now he’s fighting trauma from being sick. Nagisa's always going to support him regardless of if he’s fighting cancer or himself.
1. Difficult

_Tick, tock, tick, tock._

How long have I been waiting here? It feels like years. I didn't want to be here, not in this room, or in this hospital. I never want to be waiting here.

Yet I always end up here.

I stare forwards, blankly. What am I doing here, then? I could leave right now. I can do it, so why not?

I don't move.

The door creeks, but my face stays the same. I know who it is, and I don't particularly care.

'Hello, Karma-san.'

'Hello, Sensei.'

Dr. Yuu laughs a little, but I can tell the laugh was more worried than amused, 'Still as cold as ever, huh?' My eyes stare right through him.

'Of course.'

'Karma-san.'

'Yes?'

'Are you going to be more open today?'

I look at his clipboard, it's filled with notes. _Patient is unwilling to co-operate. Patient shows trust issues. Patient will not make eye contact. _I almost sneer at the paper as though it's mocking me, because it _is_. I don't want to fail at expressing what happened when I can barely put it into words.

I stay silent.

'Karma-san,' he sighs, pushing back his black, greying hair, 'You need to work with me.'

'Why?'

'Because you need to get better. After what happened-' I turn away from him, a frown etched onto my face. _What happened_. It makes it seem like a thing, but it really just feels like it wasn't me who went through it all. '-You need to talk, alright? I'm here to help.'

'I want to go back,' I say, turning to him. 'I want to go back into my head.'

'Please stay here for a while, Karma-san... You can go there later. Talk to me about what happened.'

I want to talk, but it feels so difficult in my throat. I don't like feeling so vulnerable, it's...

Terrifying.

'Pain.'

'Pain?'

Tears fill my eyes, but I nod.

'Pain.'

And then I'm in the street, walking home. It's not dark, but the sun is starting to make it's way to the horizon that hid behind the row of houses I found myself walking past.

_'I know it's scary, sweetie. But you can get through this. You're a strong boy.'_

My hands tremble at the intrusion of my mother's voice in my head. _'I know, mom. Even so, I feel so tired.' _Was my response to what she said then.

I'm just glad my parents stopped travelling to look after me, even if I didn't want to accept help at the time. I wish I could've tried harder to be more grateful at the time, but I can at least repay my gratitude now, since they've stopped travelling all together, just in case.

_Just in case._

I don't want to think about if comes back again. I'll keep taking my medication and pray, for the rest of my life, that I'm free.

'_We don't like using the word cured. It seems so final and, well, there's always a need for monitoring.'_

My chest tightens a little, and my breathing becomes unstable.

I see the houses, the park, the trees, the man walking his dog, and the cafe.

I feel the cold air, the beanie my dad forced me to wear warming my ears, my phone in my pocket, and the little stone that is uncomfortably wedged into my shoe beneath my foot.

I hear the children, the train in the distance, and the dog barking.

I smell coffee from the cafe and the new laundry detergent that my mom bought.

I taste the cookie that the nice lady at the desk, Hanabi-san, gave to me.

I'm home.

Once I'm in my room, I sit on my bed quietly and go back into my head.

'Ah, you're back!'

'Nagisa... I've missed you.'

'Don't be like that, silly. You'll see me when I come back from my vacation and, after all, I'm always here.'

I smile and look him in the eyes, they're so pretty. I've memorised every little speck of blue that are in his eyes and every strand of hair that he pulls into the pigtails that has so quickly became a part of him. I keep that memory here, in a mental replica of our classroom of 3-E, except here it's empty. No Korosensei, no Karasuma-Sensei or Bitch-Sensei, no classmates. Just Nagisa and I. 'I just wish I could tell you.' 'You can always tell me here, Karma.' My arms snake around his small waist, 'You know what I'm going to say, though.'

Nagisa holds me, too. He caresses my cheek and says nothing. It's so comforting that I can almost feel his warm touch, I almost feel like sobbing. The quiet moment goes on for a while, but I lose track of time when he speaks up again, 'I wish I could be with you,' he admits, 'I'm always worrying about you.' I snort, nodding. He constantly fusses over me; he even sends me texts right before he goes to bed to remind me to eat healthy, sleep well, etcetera.

'I wonder... What will I think if I ever found out that you have me here.'

'Hopefully you don't hate me.'

'Maybe~'

'Oi!'

It's Nagisa that snorts then. 'You've been around me to much,' I complain. Not that I think that it's a problem, obvious by the fact that I have a version of him in my head. However, there's only so much Karma this world can take- even I can admit that.

'Maybe it's more of a problem of I'm you.'

'Stop mocking me.'

Nagisa is quick to retort, 'You're mocking yourself.'

'I love you~' I sing. Nagisa flushes, turning his gaze to some other place in an attempt to avoid eye contact, 'Jeez. Why can't you be so forward to the real me? You know I'm bisexual. Why aren't you confessing if you have a chance?' I shake my head, 'I need time.'

Nagisa's home from his vacation to Europe before long. Time just seems to pass quickly, so quickly I don't even realise, but I'm not complaining, I get to be with Nagisa. I get to actually hold him, and that's just what I do when I see his dad pull up in the drive. I remember how exited Nagisa was when he told me that his parents were taking another chance at their marriage thanks to Korosensei. I especially remember how he couldn't keep the smile off of his face or stop the grateful tears from flowing.

He went through so much...

'Karma!'

'Nagisa!'

Nagisa rushed to me, armed wide. I took him up into my arms, lifting him a little because he's getting to be much shorter than I am, and laugh with relief. 'Have you been lonely, Karma?' I nod into his shoulder. Without Nagisa, I have nobody to talk to. Even with everyone around me that is willing to listen, I only feel comfortable to talk about those things with Nagisa without getting choked up. Nagisa is like an unlocked door in that way.

Nagisa gasps, 'Karma! You're freezing! Where's your coat? You'll get sick- how long have you been waiting out here?' The blue haired boy goes on a tangent as a scarf is suddenly tied around my neck and I go from being in his garden to into his living room where his parents watch us in amusement as they set down their suitcases. 'Have you even eaten? You know how much I hate your eating habits, you never eat enough and- stop laughing!' The giggles flow out of me, unstoppable, and I croak out a little 'Yes Mama-gisa' which he shrieks in embarrassment at which then leads me to chortle with laughter, hands holding my aching ribs and my knees bent. When I start choking, Nagisa worriedly pats my back and I'm quickly handed a cup of water by Hiromi-san. I wave him off, taking a few gulps of water. 'Come on, let's go sit in your room.'

'Karma...'

'Stop worrying! C'mon, I just choked on my laughter. Like an idiot~'

'I just worry... I've worried more since the chemo.'

I fall silent then. It's difficult to think about it, but it's something I have to come across daily, whenever I take my pills or when my dad reminds me about my next checkup. I feel sick at that point.

_'You'll be taking a high dose of chemotherapy.'_

_'It's going to make you feel pretty bad but it's going to help.'_

'Oh, Karma...' Nagisa holds me, for real this time. He bundles me up in his arms and I almost feel like a child again in his embrace as tears prick my eyes. I usually don't get worked up so much in one day. It's probably because I was opening up more to Dr. Yuu...

...Which I hated.

I let the tears fall, but I never shook with sobs. I stayed still and let the tears roll down my cheeks as Nagisa would occasionally swipe them away with his thumb. 'Nagisa?' I look up to him from where my head rested on his lap, 'Yes?'

I stay silent, but Nagisa is patient.

'Is it going to get easier the further away from it all I get?' Nagisa purses his lips. I feel so guilty, I'm putting so much on him. He had to watch me through everything and now he has to put up with the aftermath, too. He ran his slender fingers through my hair, smoothening any tangled made by the wind; he let me even out my breaths before whispering, 'no matter what happens...'

'Don't be afraid to lean on me.'


	2. Korosensei

'How was Europe?'

'It was good. It sucks that you couldn't come this time.'

'I'll come next year, I promise.' He smiles at that, and I'm content. I love his smile. It was so difficult to only see worried smiles on his face when I was sick, of course I still had some real smiles but they were so rare. Whenever he would look into my eyes all I saw was fear.

Worry.

'Karma?' 'Yes?' I rest my back on his wall and look up at him to his place on the bed. He hesitates before he speaks, 'I was wondering if...' I raise my eyebrow, 'You would... Help me with my homework?' He looks disappointed, I wonder what it's about. Nevertheless, I shake the curiosity off and nod at him, 'Ah, have you done yours?' I scoff at that, 'I did that in class~' 'Of course you did.'

He plops himself down at his desk chair and shimmies over so I can squeeze onto the spinning chair, too. His homework is slid in front of me and, after a quick analysis, I'm explaining everything he'd left blank. He nods whenever he understands me, and cocks his head whenever he doesn't to encourage me to explain more. Before long, he had finished the questions and hands me the booklet, 'How did I do?' I hum, mentally ticking every question, 'Perfect~'

'Thank God. My brain hurts.'

'Baka~'

'Shut it.'

School. I hate being here. Not like many other reasons, where people would complain about bullies, teachers, the hard work, or the boring classes- I just hate it here. The hallways are white and cramped with students hurrying to class, there's always a teacher glaring at every student... But I really just miss Nagisa. It's so much different from when he was in the same school as me but, after we graduated, we had to grow accustomed to not being together everywhere. And now I'm once again all alone with no friends because I don't have Nagisa to introduce me.

Admittedly, the big groups make me nervous.

The white halls pull at a string inside of me and it feels like I'm at the hospital again.

'I'm sorry, but it seems that Karma-san has lymphoma.'

'What? Isn't that...?'

'Cancer.'

...God. Why do I think of this now? Get yourself together, Karma. I gulp it down, and focus on something else, like the classroom that's just a few strides away... 'A few more steps...' Stop.

Class goes by in the time of the real world. My world travels a little slower. Things happen in a haze, but it's not like I don't know it all, anyway. I want to go into my head, my safe space, but... The teacher starts realising I'm distracted. 'Karma-san! How unfocused you are,' she scolds, 'If you're so smart then please, do come up here and answer this problem.'

Oh. I hate this part. My mind screeches and groans in panic, my muscles stiffen. My body moves on autopilot. Stiffly, I travel to the front. Blankly, I stare forward. I hold the stress in my chest and it physically hurts. Come on, Karma. You've done this a million times. The chalk is in my hand, the question is answered. When did that happen? A deep breath, my mind as blank as my stare. Don't make eye contact.

I don't want to see pity. I want awe, I want fear. I want to be looked at the way I used to be looked at before.

Before.

I'm in my seat again. 'Karma-kun.' Huh? 'Karma-kun!'

Ah, it's the old campus. 'Korosensei?' His presence is large in the room, he's behind the teacher's podium. 'You should be focusing, Karma-kun.' 'You dragged me here,' I bark, 'You're mistaken. You wanted to be here.'

Silence.

'Well?' I look up in shock, 'Huh?' 'You don't want pity,' he starts, 'So I won't give you any. I'll tell you as it is. Akabane Karma, you are a boy of many talents, so what are you doing?'

'I'm being a wuss.'

'Think logically. What is your condition?'

'A malfunction. The survival instincts of my ancestors and their fight and flight response are malfunctioning.'

'And is that your fault?' I sigh, 'What's your point?' He lets out a little laugh before he slithers towards me, something in his hand. He approaches my desk in my time, not in the real world time. His tentacle reaches out to me, revealing an anti-sensei knife held in a handkerchief. His face, the same Cheshire grin as ever, faces right to me. 'You were an assassin. An assassin always knows their limits. Stop being a stubborn child and accept this new limit.'

...A new limit, huh?

'I know you won't listen to me now.' He puts the knife on my desk, 'but you will have to someday.' You know I hate limits, Korosensei... I watch as he turns into little flickers of yellow, floating out of the window and into the sky, much as he did when he died. So then... Why would you phrase it like that? Then again, you've never been one to coax things to make people feel better. You tell it how it is, how a teacher should say it. Damn teacher.


	3. Alive

Karma has always been so stubborn. As much as he's my best friend, it's the truth. I never thought, however, he would stay the same when he was sick. He was so stubborn.

'I don't need help, I can do this.'

It hurt so much to see him struggle. The great Akabane, the one who could take down a guy twice his size, barely able to walk. To walk! I think it took a toll on him when he realised that he couldn't afford to be so independent.

'Nagisa? Can you help me?'

He looked so sad. His chemotherapy really took it out of him, but still... He managed to smile. How did he smile that self-satisfied, devil may care grin when he was fighting the disease that everyone dreads? That had bruised and beaten so many families? Cancer... It's just a word...

But yet it can turn the great Akabane into a child again. Hyperventilating in my arms as I hold him close. He doesn't become Karma anymore when he remembers it, he becomes someone else.

And then he was diagnosed again, after the cancer was gone, in came mental illness. PTSD and depression changed him yet again. He became a shell of who he used to be. The great Akabane was no longer cocky and free-spirited, he was distant. He was cold. He was scared. It was so strange to see him lash out in anger, or stress, at little things... To see him close his walls and hide up in his room for days on end.

'I'm just studying.'

Liar. You said you were studying yet whenever your parents or I would go to check on you, just a peek through the door, you would be sat on your bed, staring into the distance. Staring through everything as though the world isn't there.

I'm just Nagisa, I've always had to depend on you, yet the tables turned with a doctor's appointment. I had to be the one to hold you like you held me. Protect you like you protected me.

I had to become the great Shiota. Thank God we're getting you back. Thank God you smile with me, even if you don't see anyone else. Thank God you chuckle deviously, even if sometimes it's a little sad, a little nostalgic. I'm getting the great Akabane back, step by step. Even if it takes forever. I'll live to see you become him again.

**A/N: Haha, people really don't like this fic, huh? Sorry I haven't updated. I've being updating on A03 because my was being weird but I'll be posting again, now :)**

**Sorry for those who hate the fic but oh well! I'm having fun.**


	4. Limits

As I'm left alone in my head, it strikes to me that I don't really understand what Korosensei means about limits. Of course I know what they are, but why does he seem to view this as a limit? I never was limited by the factor of death; I kind of miss being like that. That feeling when I didn't care about my own life and safety. Throwing myself into dangerous situations and never caring about if I came out of it alive. The jump I took to attempt to Korosensei, the fight against Grip- hell, any fight in general. I never cared if I lived or died.

And now I fear it more than ever.

I want to go back to that, but it seems like I don't get that chance. There's no reverse button to make me myself again. The most comforting thing is that nobody at school seems to realise that I've changed but at the same time, that makes me loathe being there more than ever. Those halls don't feel right. The white, well maintained hallways had nothing on the comforting place of 3E's campus. Less annoying people whispering about you, more understanding people who treat you exactly how you want them to treat you, because they understand. It feels more like I want to go back to before the cancer. Before I felt fear. It was such a horrific emotion that I never grew accustomed to. It was gut wrenching, it was painful, it was torture. Pure torture.

I walk down the isles of the old class, every scratch in every surface memorised over the years I would go there with Nagisa to reminisce on those days, the better days when we had a place to be us. Reaching Nagisa's seat, I take a deep breath before a voice speaks up suddenly.

'Idiot.'

I know that voice, it's a voice I hear every day. My voice. I turn towards it and stood there in his glory is me in his black blazer and his buttons undone much lower than the school would allow (then again, it was our own campus and Korosensei always raved about self-expression). He was in his typical stance: slouched with his hands in his pockets and a cocky and mischievous look on his face. Then he speaks up again, 'I am you, why do you think of us as different entities?' He strolls over, eyes looking down on me despite me towering over him now, 'The only difference is that you know the value of life.'

Bzzt. Bzzt.

Oh, I'm back in the real world. My phone buzzes from my bag and, after assuring myself that everyone was leaving, I swipe it out quickly and check the caller ID. It's my mother. 'Karma, honey!' She sounds so giddy, as usual, 'I'm glad I caught you when your classes ended. Anyway, I wanted to call to say that your therapist called.'

Oh no.

'You're next appointment has been rescheduled.' My hopes are lifted, 'Will it be later than usual,' I question with a bit too much excitement, 'No, honey. I'm sorry, but it'll be next week.' Sighing, I stand up and grab my back, not even bothering to respond, 'I know you don't like these sessions but they're helping you. I'm getting my baby boy back again.' I huff again, 'Yes, yes. Will you still be going to this one?' 'No, I'll be busy with work,' she interrupts my brooding, 'But! Nagisa kindly offered to go!'

I smile then, 'Well that's good. What time specifically?'

'4pm next Friday.'

'That soon? I had one recently!'

'I know but they'll be pretty short staffed during that period because of Christmas and they didn't want to leave it late so they made it early.'

'Really early.'

The dreaded Friday comes sooner than expected, but at least I would have Nagisa there. He wasn't unfamiliar about the appointments, either, he had come a few times before. Dr Yuu agreed to the idea of having extra company occasionally, saying it would give him a chance to see how things are going from the outside looking in. Usually therapy should be a one-to-one thing, but this counts as group therapy and it's needed because I 'am not exactly open about everything'.

Then there's that damn ticking again. I stare forward, as per usual, and read random posters to take my mind off of the dreaded session. At least Nagisa is here. Said blue-haired boy puts his own hand in mine, rubbing comforting circles into my knuckles. 'Karma,' he whispers, 'Are you okay?'

I have a love-hate relationship with that question.

'Yes...' And then Dr Yuu walks in. How come it feels like my life is some broken record? So many things happen so often that it's almost mundane. The ticking of the clock, the blank staring, the worried glances, the 'Are you okay's and the question that follows afterwards... That stupid question but I can never hate Nagisa every time he asks it because I never have the heart to tell him I don't like the question. 'Are you sure?' Nagisa looks at me worriedly.

Yes, that question.

'Good afternoon, Karma-san.'

'Good afternoon, Sensei.'


End file.
